Slide 1

Understanding Differences and Staying Connected in Family Relationships

As we start this class tonight, I just want you to be aware that these concepts are for every relationship you have. Parent, friend, child, sibling, partner, or coworker, but as we proceed tonight, I will be framing this in the marriage relationship. If you are not married, you will still benefit from the things we talk about tonight. We have about 50 minutes together, and I’ll do my best to leave time for questions..

I just want to take a few minutes to review a couple of things from our last class.

Slide 2

Home is where we live in the emotional atmosphere we help create. We breathe the air we generate there. When we act with contempt, resentment, or withdrawal, we live inside that energy. When we act with kindness, responsibility, and courage, we live inside that too. This makes home not just a moral arena, but a formative one—it shapes our souls.

Slide 3

Conflict is normal in an honest marriage. You married someone different from you, and those differences will show up. The issue isn’t whether conflict exists; it’s how you handle it. Do you bring contempt into the relationship, or do you bring decency, honesty, and accountability?

At its best, marriage is a creative process. It asks a hard question: How are we going to build a bridge across our differences when so much of ME just wants YOU to change? This tension, when approached with humility and responsibility, becomes a powerful engine for growth. When avoided or resented, it turns into hostility, contempt, and resentment.

Differences are unavoidable. The real question is whether you can stay fair, grounded, and responsible for yourself when they arise.

It’s important to be clear: conflict is not the same as contention.

Slide 4

CONTENTION is characterized by patterns of contempt, cruelty, criticism, hostility, and behaviors that tear partners down rather than build them up. John and Julie Gottman identify these destructive dynamics as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationships: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.

Conflict, simply means we see this differently. It is the honest friction that emerges when two lives, two perspectives, two histories, and two sets of desires come together. Far from signaling failure, this kind of tension—when handled with care—can become a catalyst for deeper understanding, growth, and connection.

The way a conflict is handled predicts whether the couple will thrive. In conflict, we must learn to “do what comes UN-NATURALLY.” If we do what we have always done, we will keep getting the results we have always gotten—results that may keep us mired in the same old patterns. Einstein is often paraphrased as saying: You cannot solve a problem at the same level of thinking that created it. You have to level up. 

Don’t fear conflict. Don’t use it as a measure of failure. Use it as a mirror that helps you see where your relationship is inviting you to grow. Conflict, when handled with respect and care, is how we forge a space that belongs to both partners—not just one yielding to the other.

So how do you raise your awareness enough to solve a problem at a higher level?

Slide 5 Video

The practices that make a marriage strong that we are going to talk about tonight are: Getting Curious • Showing Empathy • Showing Affection & Appreciation • Repair • Accountability • Mutual Consideration and Respect

Marriage asks something difficult of us: How do I remain fully myself while learning how to genuinely love another person who is not me?

Ever wonder why, out of everyone on earth, you fell for this particular person? It's less random than it feels.

We tend to be drawn to someone who recreates the emotional feel of our earliest home.

The warmth of it, but often the wounds too. If you grew up feeling unseen, you may find yourself with someone who's hard to reach, and then spend years aching to be seen by them. It's not bad luck. On some level you picked them to heal something old.

We tend to marry someone who is different from us. They may communicate differently, process differently, regulate differently, experience emotions differently, have different desires, and see the world through a different lens. And eventually, those differences become inconvenient. Early in a relationship, differences can be interesting. Later, they can become irritating.

Eventually, we can begin to think:

“Why can't you just see this the way I do?”

“Why don't you respond the way I would?”

“If you really loved me, wouldn't you understand this?”

Slide 6

This is where marriage becomes more than companionship. When we discover that our partner sees, feels, or experiences life differently than we do, we can easily assume that something is wrong. We may try harder and harder to explain, persuade, or convince our partner to see things the way we see them.

But what if the difference isn't a problem to eliminate? What if it is an opportunity for growth?

At this point, the goal of marriage isn't to eliminate our differences or to get our partner to see life exactly as we do. The goal is to learn how to love each other well, within the difference.

Marriage asks us to develop the capacity to remain connected without requiring sameness—to understand without necessarily agreeing, to stay true to ourselves without demanding that our partner become more like us, and to love each other without making our differences a threat.

And there are several practices that help couples do that.

Slide 7

1. Get Curious

One of the most powerful shifts a couple can make is moving from judgment to curiosity.

When we are upset, we tend to assume we already know why our partner is doing what they're doing.

“You don't care.”  “You're being selfish.”  “You're trying to control me.”  “You always do this.”  “You just don't understand.”

But certainty often closes the door to understanding. Curiosity opens it.

Instead of asking: “Why would you do that?” we can ask: “Help me understand what was happening for you.”

Instead of: “Why don't you ever want to talk about this?” we might ask: “What happens inside you when I bring this up?”

Instead of: “You obviously don't care.” we might ask: “When I experience you pulling away, I interpret it as not caring. Is that actually what is happening for you?”

Curiosity doesn't mean agreeing. It doesn't mean deciding our partner is right. It means being willing to discover that our interpretation may not be the whole story.

Curiosity sounds like:

• “Tell me more.”

• “Help me understand.”

• “What did that mean to you?”

• “What were you experiencing?”

• “What did you need in that moment?”

• “How did you see it?”

• “What am I missing?”

• “What was happening for you that I couldn't see?”

One of the greatest gifts we can give our partner is the experience of: “You want to know me” and being curious is how you do that. 

One of the things I want us to become more aware of in marriage is what happens when our partner brings us an emotion that we don't know how to handle.

Sometimes we can become very good at identifying what we think our partner is doing:

"She's pursuing validation." "He's being defensive." "She's trying to control me." "He's withdrawing."

And sometimes those observations may be accurate.

But there is a danger in stopping there. If I decide, "Oh, their just pursuing validation," I can use that observation to distance myself from them rather than becoming more emotionally present with them.

I can turn their behavior into a diagnosis instead of an invitation to understand.

If I use concepts like validation-seeking, defensiveness, or control simply to label my partner’s behavior as unhealthy, I may actually be using my insight to protect myself from having to enter their emotional world.

I may be able to accurately identify what they are doing while still missing what is happening underneath it.

Understanding a pattern is not the same as understanding the person.

The goal isn't to excuse unhealthy behavior or avoid accountability. It is to become curious about what the behavior may be communicating, what my partner may be experiencing, and what part I may be playing in the cycle.

Slide 8

If my understanding of my partner allows me to distance myself from them, rather than move toward them with greater compassion and curiosity, then my insight may be serving self-protection rather than connection.

Time to ask a different question: "What is happening in me when my partner becomes emotional?"

Maybe my partner really is pursuing validation. But before I make that the whole story, I can ask myself:

What is their pursuit of validation stirring up in me? Do I become uncomfortable with emotion?
Do I feel responsible for fixing it? Do I feel accused or misunderstood? Do I become defensive?
Do I immediately want to explain myself? Do I feel the need to make the emotion go away?

Sometimes, when we don't know how to stay present with difficult emotions—our own or our partner's—we find ways to move away from them.

We may become logical. We may become overly rational. We may become the peacemaker. We may get busy.
We may withdraw. We may intellectualize. We may try to solve the problem.

None of these strategies are necessarily bad. In fact, many of them are genuine strengths. Being logical, calm, helpful, solution-oriented, or able to create peace can be valuable qualities. But even a strength can become a defense when we use it to escape emotional reality.

The question isn't simply, “What is my partner doing?”

The deeper question is: “What happens inside of me when my partner feels this way—and what do I do to avoid having to be there with them?”

This is where curiosity becomes important. Instead of using our understanding of our partner's pattern to distance ourselves from them, we can use it as an invitation to become more curious about both of us.

What might be happening for my partner? What is happening for me? And can I stay present long enough to understand both?

Slide 9

Terry Real uses the idea of a "misery stabilizer" to describe some of the ways we seek relief from emotional discomfort. Rather than staying with the difficult emotion and allowing ourselves to move through it, we find something that gives us temporary relief.

These are habits, distractions, or coping mechanisms that partners use to numb the pain of a disconnected relationship. Like a steam valve, they bleed off just enough daily frustration to prevent an explosive crisis, but they ultimately trap you in a cycle of chronic unhappiness. The particular behavior isn't really the point.

The question is: "Am I using this to help myself regulate so that I can return to the relationship, or am I using it to escape the relationship and the emotion?"

There is a significant difference.

Healthy regulation helps me come back more grounded and more available.

Avoidance gives me relief without actually increasing my capacity to deal with what is happening.

And when I return to the relationship, the original problem is still there—sometimes with even more pain layered on top of it.

This becomes especially important because couples often create a cycle together.

Imagine one partner becomes emotional. That partner may be saying, in essence: "Please understand what this feels like for me." The other partner hears something very different: "You are a bad person."  "You don't care about me." "You have misunderstood everything." "You need to admit that my interpretation is correct."

So that partner becomes anxious and begins defending or correcting. "That's not what I meant." "You're misunderstanding me." "That's not what happened." "You're making assumptions."

The first partner then experiences that response as further evidence that they aren't being understood.

So they explain more. They try another example. Then another.

They become more emotional because they still don't feel understood.

And the second partner becomes even more defensive because the increasing emotion feels like further evidence that they need to protect themselves.

Now both people are working harder and harder—but neither person is actually moving toward the other.

Understanding Is Not Agreement

This is where one of the most important principles of healthy communication comes in:

I can understand your experience without agreeing with your interpretation.

I can say: "I can see why that felt hurtful to you." Or "I understand that this is how you experienced me." 

Slide 10

When we listen, our job isn't to immediately decide whether our partner's version of reality is right or wrong.

Our first job is to receive the information.

Your partner has a map of the relationship that includes things you may not see.

That doesn't mean their map is perfectly accurate. But it is data.

And if I refuse to look at my partner's map of me because I am afraid of what it might say about me, I actually limit my own understanding of reality.

One of the most mature things we can do in marriage is broaden our map.

Instead of asking: "Who's right?" we can ask: "What am I missing?"

Instead of: "How do I get my partner to see this the way I see it?" we can ask: "Can I understand why my partner sees it this way?"

Instead of: "How do I make this emotion stop?" we can ask: "What is this emotion trying to communicate?"

And sometimes the answer will be uncomfortable. Your partner may see something in you that you don't see. Your partner may also be interpreting something incorrectly.

Both things can be true.

The goal isn't to surrender your perspective.

The goal is to become capable of holding your perspective and your partner's perspective at the same time.

That is strength.

There is an interesting paradox in relationships: If you want less emotion, sometimes you have to move toward it rather than away from it.

Chinese Finger Trap

When your partner becomes emotional and you withdraw, correct, defend, or become overly logical, your partner may experience that as: "You don't see me." "You don't care." "I can't get through to you."

And that can cause the emotion to intensify.

The more you move away, the more your partner may pursue. The more your partner pursues, the more you may withdraw.

And now you're caught in a cycle neither of you intended to create.

But imagine doing something different.

Your partner becomes emotional.

Slide 11

Instead of immediately defending yourself, you breathe. You slow down. You remind yourself:

"I don't have to solve this right now."

"I don't have to agree."

"I don't have to convince my partner that I'm a good person."

"My job right now is simply to understand."

And then you move toward.

"Help me understand what this was like for you."

"What did you experience from me?"

"What did you need from me in that moment?"

"Tell me more."

That doesn't mean you are accepting every conclusion your partner has made.

It means you are willing to enter their emotional reality long enough to understand it.

Slide 12

One of the most powerful mantras we can develop in marriage is: Seek to understand.

Not: "Seek to win." Not: "Seek to correct." Not: "Seek to prove your innocence."

Not even: "Seek to make your partner feel better."  Seek to understand.

What does it feel like to be in their shoes? How are they experiencing you? What story are they telling themselves about what is happening? What are they afraid of? What are they longing for? What might you be missing?

And sometimes, you don't have to do anything more than understand.

Understanding itself can be deeply regulating.

When people feel understood, they often become more capable of hearing something different.

Not because you manipulated them into listening. Not because you won the argument.

But because they no longer have to fight so hard to have their experience acknowledged.

This is one of the hardest skills in intimate relationships because our nervous systems naturally want to protect our own reality.

When I feel misunderstood, I want to correct. When I feel accused, I want to defend. When I feel overwhelmed, I want to withdraw. When I feel my partner's emotion, I may want to make it stop.

But maturity asks something different of us.

It asks us to stay. To breathe. To tolerate the discomfort of not immediately being understood.

To tolerate our partner's emotions without taking responsibility for eliminating them.

To remain connected to ourselves while becoming curious about another person's reality.

And ultimately, this is not about losing yourself in your partner's experience.

It is actually the opposite.

Slide 13

A strong sense of self gives me enough security to be curious about you without needing you to agree with me.

I can remain grounded in my own perspective while making room for yours.

I can say: "I don't see it exactly the way you do, but I want to understand why you see it that way."

That is not weakness. That is not surrender. That is relational strength. And that is where healthy communication begins.

Are there any questions about curiosity?

Slide 14

2. Practice Empathy

Curiosity helps us understand. Empathy helps us care about what we understand.

Empathy can be defined as your ability to see and understand what someone thinks or feels from their point of view, not from your own. You put on their shoes and walk the way they walk. You get in their seat and see what they see. You feel what they feel and think what they think.

Being more aware of your partner’s feelings starts with being observant around him or her. You can’t read minds or hearts, so you have to observe and ask and listen.

Read your partner’s nonverbal cues, like facial expressions.

Make an effort to intentionally notice what’s going on in your partner’s world. Busyness is not a badge of honor or an excuse for not noticing things.

Avoid making assumptions that whatever emotional struggles your partner has are all about you. Your partner could be upset about something at work or the kids. When you assume the worst, you sometimes bring out the worst in your partner.

Ask questions and then listen carefully and with intention. 

Empathy doesn't require us to agree with our partner's interpretation.

You can say: “I don't see it the same way, but I can understand why that hurt.”

Or: “I wouldn't have experienced that the same way, but I can see why you did.”

Or: “That makes sense given what you were experiencing.”

Empathy is not surrender. It is not saying: “You're right and I'm wrong.”

It is saying: “Your experience makes sense to me, even if my experience is different.”

This is particularly important in marriage because we often assume that if our partner sees something differently, one of us must be wrong. But two people can experience the same event differently.

One person may experience a conversation as overwhelming. The other may experience it as necessary.

One person may experience space as rejection. The other may experience space as regulation.

One person may experience repeated questions as an attempt to connect. The other may experience them as pressure.

The goal isn't always to determine whose experience is correct.

The goal is simply: “Can I understand your experience without needing to erase my own?”

Slide 15

3. Affection and Appreciation

Terry Real stated “Virtually all the couples I meet, both in clinical work and in the workshops and seminars, are appreciation deficient and learn to become appreciation proficient. Partners seldom let each other know how much they appreciate the effort or the good qualities they enjoy in each other; they often don’t even let themselves feel how much they treasure the many wonderful aspects of their partners, or the richness of their lives—until through age, illness, or some other life circumstance, they face the possibility of their loss. I don’t want you to wait for an impending crisis in order to cherish your life’s abundance.” 

Marriage needs more than problem-solving.

A relationship can become very functional:Who's picking up the kids? What's happening this weekend? Did you pay the bill? What time are you coming home? What needs to be fixed?

And suddenly a couple realizes: “We manage a life together, but we don't experience much delight in each other anymore.”

Affection and appreciation interrupt that pattern.

Affection says: “I enjoy you.” Appreciation says: “I notice you.”

Neither has to be elaborate. A hand on the shoulder. A hug. A kiss goodbye. Sitting close. A sincere compliment. A text during the day. “I really enjoyed talking with you tonight.” “I noticed how patient you were with the kids.” “Thank you for taking care of that.” “I love the way your mind works.” “You look beautiful.”

“I really like being with you.”

These small moments communicate something profound:   “You are not merely useful to me. You are valuable to me.”

And appreciation is especially important because our brains naturally begin to notice what is wrong.

We can become experts at seeing our partner's deficiencies. We need to deliberately become students of their goodness.

Ask yourself:

What does my partner do that I have stopped noticing?

What qualities did I originally admire?

What are they doing well right now?

What would I miss if they weren't here?

Appreciation isn't pretending everything is perfect. It is refusing to let what is difficult become the only thing we see.

How can you increase the positives in your relationship and in your partner? You can start by simply acknowledging them. 

Slide 16

4. Learn the Art of Repair

How to repair after an argument doesn’t come naturally for most people. Apologizing is a good step, but it isn’t the only one. Every little conflict can alter the relationship. Therefore, more action is required to undo what’s been done.

The Gottman Repair Checklist is an intervention that uses a list of phrases that help couples to de-escalate and become more emotionally regulated. Essentially, it is a powerful argument resolution tool.

The Gottman Repair Checklist recognizes that all couples have conflict and that the happiest couples are those who can face and resolve the conflict together.

Couples in happy, healthy relationships are constantly repairing. Repairing is less about fixing and more about restoring to a good path. John Gottman calls repair attempts a secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples. 

So what exactly is a repair attempt and how can you use them effectively?

Gottman explains that a repair attempt is “any statement or action — silly or otherwise — that prevents negativity from escalating out of control”. 

An example of a repair attempt could be using appropriate humor to lighten the mood. A repair attempt could be a phrase or expression, or any type of cue — audible, visual, or tactile, or anything that signals to your partner you don’t want the argument to progress. A successful repair attempt doesn’t necessarily end the argument, but it removes the hostility. And the best way to use a repair attempt is to employ it early on, before things get out of hand.

A strong marriage isn't a marriage without rupture. It is a marriage where rupture can be repaired.

Repair requires us to stop defending ourselves long enough to acknowledge our impact.

As John Gottman’s research has shown, it’s not what you fight about that matters, but how you repair when your inevitable differences in personality, perspective, and needs collide.

If you don’t process these conflicts, then you may both find yourselves feeling disrespected, lonely, and neglected—drifting away from each other like two ships without anchors.

According to Dr. Julie Gottman, when couples come to therapy, partners “often sit side-by-side like enemy ships, war-torn but still afloat. Many have fired rounds at each other, and there’s been damage done.”

Often these wounds are left open. They’re so painful that we tell ourselves “never again will I let my partner see that vulnerable side of me.”

The problem is no matter how much we want to suppress our hurt feelings, they don’t go away. The avoidant strategy of “just get over it and move on” only works temporarily, at best. In fact, this approach to conflict is often a learned response from the internalized belief that no one will ever be there for you when you need them, so it’s better not to even attempt to discuss things.

Unfortunately, regrettable incidents that haven’t been addressed melt away the positive connection in a relationship, creating a chasm between partners.

Every couple will hurt each other.

The question isn't: “How do we never hurt each other?”

The question is: “What do we do when we do?”

A genuine apology sounds like:

“I'm sorry I snapped at you.”

“I’m sorry I dismissed what you were saying.”

“I’m sorry I became defensive instead of listening.”

“I’m sorry I was harsh with you, and that wasn't okay.”

Notice what is missing: The word “But.”

“I’m sorry I snapped at you, but you were really pushing me” isn't an apology. It is a defense.

Repair requires us to be able to say: “I understand what I did, and I can see how it affected you.”

And then: “What can I do differently next time?” The final part matters.

A repair isn't simply: “Sorry.”

It is: “Here is what I understand, and here is what I am going to do differently.”

Trust is built when our apologies eventually become behavioral change.

It is absolutely critical that you master the art of making and receiving repair attempts. In Dr. Gottman’s research, the consistent failure of repair attempts is a sign of an unhappy future. Statistically, a marriage can survive The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, but only if partners learn to repair effectively. Without that, you get stuck in a finite game where even when one partner wins, you both end up losing.

Slide 17

5. Practice Accountability

Accountability asks: “What is mine?”

Not: “Whose fault is this?” Not: “Who started it?” Not: “Who is more wrong?”

Accountability is: “What is mine to take responsibility for?”

Maybe I became defensive. Maybe I withdrew. Maybe I criticized. Maybe I pursued. Maybe I over functioned.

Maybe I expected my partner to read my mind. Maybe I was trying to control their response. Maybe I said something contemptuous. Maybe I failed to consider how my behavior affected them.

Accountability doesn't mean taking responsibility for everything. It means taking responsibility for what is actually yours. And there is tremendous freedom in this.

When I stop spending all my energy trying to make you responsible for my experience, I can begin asking:

“Who do I want to be?”

That is where personal power returns.

I can't control whether my partner will change.

But I can ask:

“How do I want to show up?”

“What kind of husband or wife do I want to be?”

“What kind of person do I want to be under pressure?”

“What do I want my choices to say about me?”

“If my kids were married to someone like me, would I be okay with that?”

That is self-authorship.

Slide 18

6. Mutual Consideration and Respect

Marriage requires more than two independent people pursuing their individual preferences.

It also requires consideration.

I matter.  You matter.  And the relationship matters.

A healthy relationship is built on a mutual respect. Respect means a mutual feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements as well as positive regard for the feelings, wishes, and rights of others. There are times when toxic patterns and ineffective communication can lead to people feeling disrespected by the people they care about the most. This is a very painful experience. As human beings we all deserve respect and positive regard however, when we are wounded, lack self-awareness, or lack self-esteem we can unintentionally allow disrespectful behavior into our relationships which may ultimately cause immense hurt and sabotage the relationship.

A respectful relationship is one where each partner honors the boundaries, ideas, and feelings of the other person. They do not have to agree on everything, however they can create space for the other person to be themselves. When there is any kind of mental, physical, or emotional disrespect or abuse you cannot thrive and be your best self. Attachment relationships such as the relationship between children and their parents, other family relationships, friendships, or romantic relationships are places where we expect to feel safe and a sense of security. When that expectation is not met due to a lack of respect it can be damaging to one’s self-esteem and mental health. It also can create challenges for people when they try to create healthy bonds and respectful relationships in the future.

Mutual consideration asks:

“How does this affect you?” “How does this affect me?” “What does each of us need?” “What is reasonable for both of us?” “Is there a way to care for you without abandoning myself?” “Is there a way to honor myself without disregarding you?”

This is different from compliance.

Consideration does not mean: “Whatever you want.”

And it doesn't mean: “I don't care what you want.”

It means: “Your experience matters to me, and I am willing to let it influence my choices.”

And I can say the same thing in return:

“My experience matters too.” This is where we make room for two people.

One of the most important distinctions in marriage is understanding that loving someone does not mean controlling their experience.

I can tell my partner what I want. I can tell them what hurts. I can tell them what I desire. I can ask for change.

I can establish boundaries. But I cannot make them feel differently. I cannot make them want what I want.

I cannot make them respond exactly as I would. And I cannot make them love me.

This is where differentiation becomes essential.

The question changes from: “How do I get you to become the partner I want?”

to: “How do I become the partner I want to be while honestly communicating what I need and making room for who you are?”

That is a much harder question. But it is also a much more productive one.

When we make our partner the problem, the relationship often becomes a courtroom.

We gather evidence. We build our case. We explain why we are right. We explain why they are wrong.

We defend ourselves. We defend our intentions. We wait for them to acknowledge our perspective.

And the marriage can become organized around: Who is right?

But when we become curious about ourselves and our partner, the question becomes:

“What is happening here, and what can we each learn from it?” That changes everything.

Instead of: “You're too sensitive.” We can ask: “What is happening for you?”

Instead of: “You never listen.” We can ask: “What makes it difficult for you to hear me when I bring this up?”

Instead of: “You don't care about me.” We can say: “I feel lonely and disconnected, and I want to find my way back to you.”

Instead of: “You need to change.” We can ask: “What do I need to understand about you, and what do you need to understand about me?”

Mutual respect in a relationship is a dynamic, ongoing process that involves a profound understanding and appreciation of each other’s intrinsic worth. It goes far beyond surface-level politeness or courtesy, encompassing a commitment to recognizing and honoring each partner’s unique identity, experiences, and perspectives.

Slide 19

A strong marriage isn't built through one grand gesture.

It is built through repeated practices.

Together, these practices create something greater than simply avoiding conflict.

They create a relationship where two people can increasingly say:

“I can be myself with you, and I want to know who you are.”

“I can disagree with you without making you wrong.”

“I can tell you what I need without demanding that you become someone else.”

“I can hear what hurts you without immediately defending myself.”

“I can take responsibility for myself without taking responsibility for you.”

“I can love you without losing myself.”

“I can remain myself while making room for you.”

That is the work of marriage. Not eliminating difference. Not winning. Not getting our partner to finally understand everything exactly as we do.

But learning, over and over again, how to know another human being, care about their experience, take responsibility for our own, and build something together that neither person could create alone.

Slide 20 Gottman Repair Checklist

Discuss Upgrading Our Ways of Relating

Upgrading Our Ways of Relating

How to Be an Adult in Relationships The Five Keys to Mindful Loving

The following statements are ways that we can show integrity and love. We are living out our loving-kindness practice. We are opening to how others experience us. We are giving them an experience of us that shows warmth and respect. Our intimate relationships portray an unconditionally, caring committed connection. Meanwhile we are maintaining healthy boundaries and respecting those of others. We can use these statements as practices, one at a time, each for as long as it takes to make it part of our life. They can be our ethical standards to live by personally, the ground rules of our relationships with partners, family, friends, workmates and the care we show the wider world. We do not wait to see if others are embracing them. They are written in the first person so we can treat them as affirmations of our own ideals, not matter how others behave. 

• I appreciate the ways others love me, no matter how limited. I am letting go of expecting—or demanding—that they love me exactly as I want them to. At the same time, I can always ask for the kind of love I long for.

• I am learning to trust others when the record shows they can be trusted while I, nonetheless, commit myself to being trustworthy regardless of what others may do.

• I remain open to reconciling with others after conflict. At the same time, I am learning to release—with love and without blame—those who show themselves to be unwilling to relate to me respectfully.

• I accept, without judgment, the given that occasionally someone will engage in a sudden unexplained absence, ghosting, or the silent treatment. I may then make one attempt at communication. If there is still no reply, I will respect the other’s boundary setting and let go without blame. In any case, I will not use those styles myself.

• I do not allow the judgments or impressions of others to contaminate my personal relationships. As a mindfulness practice, I am relating to people in my life based on my own experience, not on gossip by others. I ask the same of those close to me: “You are who you are to me because of how I experience you and I ask that I be who I am to you because of how you experience me.”

• When a family member suddenly cuts of communication with me, I ask for dialogue so we can repair the rupture. If the family member refuses, I respect that choice while remaining available for communication to resume. On my part, I choose not to ostracize family members who have offended me. Nor do I join other family members in their boycott against someone. When I meet up with family rejection, I grieve the situation and stay open to reconciliation.

• I am learning to be assertive by asking for what I need or want. I ask without demand, expectation, manipulation, or a sense of entitlement. I show respect for the timing and choices of others by being able to take no for an answer.

• I respect the freedom of others, especially those I love. I do not want to use any charms of body, word or mind to trick or deceive anyone. I want others to have what they want. I am not trying to manipulate or intimidate others into doing what I want them to do. 

• I do not knowingly hurt or intend to offend others. I act kindly toward others not to impress them, win their approval, or obligate them but because I really am kind—or working on it. If others fail to thank me or to return my kindness, that does not have to stop me from behaving lovingly nonetheless. When I fail at this—or at any of these commitments—I can admit it, make amends, and resolve to act differently next time. Now I can say “oops!” and apologize more easily and willingly when necessary. I am being careful not to add an explanation to my apology that helps me save face and justify my behavior. I am aware that only means giving myself permission to repeat the offense.

• If people occasionally hurt me, I can say “ouch” in a lowercase letters or in all caps! I can ask to open a dialogue. I may ask for amends but I can drop the topic if they are not forthcoming. No matter what, I do not choose to get even, hold grudges, keep a record of wrong, or hate anyone. “What goes around comes around” has become “May what goes around come around in a way that helps everyone learn and grow.” I am thereby hoping for the transformation of others rather than retribution against them. I am seeking repair, not revenge.

• I am noticing that my capacity to forgive others—and myself—is expanding all the time. My forgiveness of others is letting go of blame, ill will, and the need for revenge. This transformation by grace feels like a true liberation from ego.

• I do not let others abuse me and, internally, I want to interpret their harshness as coming from their own pain and as a sadly confused way of letting me know they need connection but don’t know how to ask for it in healthy ways. I recognize this with concern, not with censure or scorn.

• I do not gloat over the sufferings or defeats of those who have hurt me. “It serves them right!” has changed to: “May this serve to help them evolve.” 

• I realize that I, like all humans, have repressed and disavowed some negative and positive parts of myself. I am finding ways to uncover this shadow side of myself. My strong dislike of certain negative traits in others makes me ask if I have similar traits in myself. My strong admiration for the positive qualities in others reminds me to look for the same gifts in myself.

• I have a sense of humor, but not at the expense of others. I want to use humor to poke fun at human foibles, especially my own. I do not tell racist or biased jokes nor do I listen them. I do not engage in ridicule, mocking, put-downs, or snide, derogatory, demeaning, bigoted remarks, sarcasm, or “comebacks.” When others use hurtful humor toward me I want to feel the pain in both of us and look for ways to bring more mutual respect into our communications. 

• I do not hold anyone in contempt. I do not laugh at people for their mistakes and misfortunes but look for ways to be understanding and supportive.

• I do not try to embarrass people by shaming or making them look bad in front of other people

• No matter how busy or in a hurry I am I choose to act with patience and attentiveness toward others rather than to be curt, abrupt, or dismissive.

• I am practicing ways to express my anger against unfairness directly and nonviolently rather than in abusive, bullying, threatening, blaming, out of control, vengeful, or passive ways. 

• I am less and less concerned with being right or in insisting on my own point of view in a conversation or group project. I am now more apt to listen to and appreciate the contributions of others, while also sharing my own view in a collaborative dialogue. I want being right to be transformed into hearing right, speaking rightly, and doing right.

• I notice how there are people who are excluded from the in-group. Rather than be comforted that I am still safely an insider, especially by joining in gossiping about them, I want to sense the pain in being an outsider. Then I can reach out and include everyone in my circle of love, compassion, and respect. 

• In a group situation, when someone is shamed, humiliated, or harshly criticized, I do not want to be glad that the finger was not pointed at me. I want to support the victim of aggression by asking for a respectful tone in the dialogue. I know that standing up for the victim may turn the bully’s fury on me, so I am continually working on building up my courage.

• I want to be loyal to any association of which I am a member. At the same time, I know that my affiliation does not preclude becoming a whistleblower if necessary. I remain faithful to the organization but not to a cover-up. I also know I have to take my leave if it no longer abides by its mission.

• I look at other people and their choices with intelligent discernment but without judgment or censure. I still notice the shortcomings of others and myself, but now I am beginning to see them as facts to deal with rather than flaws to be criticized or be ashamed of. Accepting others as they are has become more important than whether they are what I want them to be. 

• I avoid criticizing, interfering, or giving advice that is not specifically asked for. I take care of myself by staying away from those who use this intrusive approach toward me, while still holding them in my spiritual circle of loving-kindness.

• I am willing to participate in the harmless conventions and social rituals that make others happy, for example, family dinners, or acknowledgment of birthdays. If a social or family situation begins to become toxic, I excuse myself politely.

• I am less and less competitive in relationships at home and work and find happiness in cooperation and community. I shun situations in which my winning means that others lose in a humiliating way. 

• I never give up on believing that everyone has an innate goodness and that being loved by me can contribute to bringing it out.

• I commit myself to transparency, honor equity, keep agreements, work on problems, and act in loving and trustworthy ways.

• My goal is not to use a relationship to gratify my ego but to dispossess myself of ego to gratify the relationship.

• I want my sexual style to adhere to the same standards of integrity and loving-kindness that apply in all areas of my life. More and more, my sexuality expresses love, passion and joyful playfulness. I also remain committed to a responsible adult style of relating and enjoying. 

Slide 1

On this first slide, I hope you all were able to read through the bio’s of the therapists I will be referring to often, along with this book Interpersonal Conflict. 

John and Julie Gottman are internationally recognized relationship researchers and clinicians best known for their groundbreaking work on marriage and long-term relationships. Drawing on decades of empirical research with thousands of couples, they identified patterns that predict relationship success and distress, including what they call the Four Horsemen of relationship breakdown. Their work bridges rigorous science and practical application, offering evidence-based tools that help couples build trust, manage conflict, and strengthen emotional connection.

Terry Real is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, teacher, and author known for his influential work on relationships and relational healing. He is the founder of the Relational Life Institute and the creator of Relational Life Therapy (RLT), which integrates individual psychological insight with a strong focus on accountability, mutual respect, and connection. Terry Real’s work emphasizes moving couples out of power struggles and into relational integrity, helping partners build relationships that are both intimate and resilient.

David Schnarch, PhD, was a clinical psychologist and author known for his groundbreaking work on intimacy, sexuality, and long-term relationships. He developed Crucible Therapy, a model that emphasizes differentiation, emotional regulation, and personal responsibility as essential to sustaining desire and connection in committed partnerships. Schnarch’s work challenged traditional views of intimacy by highlighting how personal growth and self-confrontation are central to deeply connected, enduring relationships.

Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, PhD, is a clinical psychologist, relationship and sexuality educator, and speaker known for her work on desire, intimacy, and relational development. Drawing on principles of differentiation and personal responsibility, her teaching helps individuals and couples understand the emotional and relational dynamics that shape sexual desire and connection. Her work bridges clinical insight and practical application, offering a thoughtful framework for fostering agency, integrity, and vitality in intimate relationships.

Slide 2

As we start this class tonight, I just want you to be aware that these concepts are for every relationship you have. Parent, friend, child, sibling, spouse, or coworker, but as we proceed tonight, I will be framing this in the marriage relationship. If you are not married, you will still benefit from the things we talk about tonight. We have about 45 minutes together, and I’ll do my best to leave time for questions at the end.

Slide 3

Dr. Terry Real talks often about the environment we create in our relationships. He points out that often, we don’t realize how much we are contributing because we are so focused on the other person and what they are or are not doing. Home is where we live in the emotional atmosphere we help create. We breathe the air we generate there. When we act with contempt, resentment, or withdrawal, we live inside that energy. When we act with kindness, responsibility, and courage, we live inside that too. This makes home not just a moral arena, but a formative one—it shapes our souls.

Many of us grow up believing that conflict in marriage means something has gone wrong—that we’re not loving enough, selfless enough, or kind enough. We assume that if we were “doing marriage right,” we wouldn’t be fighting. That belief sets couples up for disillusionment.

The truth is, when you make room for two real people in a marriage, conflict is not only inevitable—it’s necessary.

Slide 4

Conflict is normal in an honest marriage. You married someone different from you, and those differences will show up. The issue isn’t whether conflict exists; it’s how you handle it. Do you bring contempt into the relationship, or do you bring decency, honesty, and accountability?

At its best, marriage is a creative process. It asks a hard question: How are we going to build a bridge across our differences when so much of ME just wants YOU to change? This tension, when approached with humility and responsibility, becomes a powerful engine for growth. When avoided or resented, it turns into hostility, contempt, and resentment.

Differences are unavoidable. The real question is whether you can stay fair, grounded, and responsible for yourself when they arise.

It’s important to be clear: conflict is not the same as contention.

Slide 5

Contention is characterized by patterns of contempt, cruelty, criticism, hostility, and behaviors that tear partners down rather than build them up. John and Julie Gottman identify these destructive dynamics as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationships: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.

Conflict, on the other hand, simply means we see this differently. It is the honest friction that emerges when two lives, two perspectives, two histories, and two sets of desires come together. Far from signaling failure, this kind of tension—when handled with care—can become a catalyst for deeper understanding, growth, and connection.

The way a conflict is handled predicts whether the couple, the work group, or the manager (in an employer dyad) will thrive. In conflict, we must learn to “do what comes UN-NATURALLY.” If we do what we have always done, we will keep getting the results we have always gotten—results that may keep us mired in the same old patterns. Einstein is often paraphrased as saying: You cannot solve a problem at the same level of thinking that created it. You have to level up. 

Who would imagine, for instance, that moving toward bad news, instead of away from bad news, is often the better strategy? How many of us intuitively know to tell MORE of the truth when a conflict is becoming destructive rather than keeping quiet or yelling? In the middle of a conflict, if someone insists that “this is really simple!” they probably mean “this would be simple if you would adopt my perspective.” Conflict is anything BUT simple.

 (Interpersonal Conflict, Hocker, Wilmot, pg. 7). 

Slide 6

Don’t fear conflict. Don’t use it as a measure of failure. Use it as a mirror that helps you see where your relationship is inviting you to grow. Conflict, when handled with respect and care, is how we forge a space that belongs to both partners—not just one yielding to the other.

So how do you raise your awareness enough to solve a problem at a higher level?

Start with this question: Where are they right about me?

Most of us, when confronted with something uncomfortable, move instantly into defensiveness. We rush to protect our position—explaining why we are right and the other person is wrong. While understandable, this reaction keeps us stuck in a spiral. Nothing new can emerge from it. The need to be right is one of Dr. Terry Real’s losing strategies and when we go there we create that spiral. 

Growth begins when we are willing to acknowledge where the other person may have a valid point. This is difficult because our ego resists it fiercely. The ego’s job is to protect identity, not to tell the truth or foster intimacy. It equates being wrong with being unsafe.

And yet, this willingness—to soften, to stay curious, to recognize another’s perspective—is one of the most reliable pathways to growth and connection in relationships.

When we loosen our grip on defensiveness and approach the situation with humility and openness, we move out of reactivity and into responsibility. From that place, we are far more capable of learning, repairing, and creating something better together.

This doesn’t mean self-blame or submission. It means maturity. It means choosing growth over being right—and relationship over protection.

Our Ego is the Natural Man. Mosiah 3: 19 For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

We are born into ego. A baby is, quite literally, a crying ego. The world initially exists only in terms of how it affects us. Some people never fully grow beyond this orientation. The ego is self-preoccupied, self-protective, and deeply reactive. It is also deeply anxious.

Spiritual and emotional maturity does not mean dismissing ourselves or becoming martyrs. It means learning to see ourselves and others more truthfully. Wise people take their disappointments, with themselves and others, and use them as opportunities to grow into greater capacity for care.

Dr. Finlayson-Fife shared a story about her son, who is on the autism spectrum. When he was nine, he became curious about why people get married. At the time, he was especially fascinated by moles and ticks.

One day, during a conversation with his mom, he suddenly had a lightbulb moment. He said, “I know why people get married—so they can see the moles and ticks on each other’s backs.”

She laughed when she realized how true that was.

So here’s the question: What “moles and ticks” does your spouse see on you?

They often notice the places we can’t see ourselves—and if we’re willing to listen, that perspective can be a gift, not an attack.

Remember we have been counseled to go to the Lord about our weaknesses, who better than our own family members and friends to help us see where we most need to grow?

Ether 12:27: And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

Slide 7

You do not know what other people are thinking unless you enter into honest dialogue. You don’t know their intention without dialogue. You can’t read minds. Conversation is the best approach. (Interpersonal Conflict, Hocker, Wilmot, pg. 21.)

A strong relationship must be built on a solid foundation of honesty, openness, and emotional courage. This means being willing to share the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable or risks creating conflict.

We often avoid sharing what we’re truly feeling or thinking because we’re afraid: What if it hurts my spouse? What if they reject me? What if it creates too much tension? But withholding information—whether it’s big or small—introduces quiet instability into your relationship. It creates anxiety, fosters misunderstanding, and weakens the sense of trust and intimacy. Truth doesn’t have to be dramatic to be essential. It might be “I’m feeling overwhelmed by your family’s involvement” or “Your spending habits are creating stress for me.”

When we withhold these truths, we often justify it by telling ourselves we’re protecting the relationship. But in reality, we’re protecting ourselves from the discomfort of honesty. And in doing so, we plant seeds of resentment, frustration, and disconnection.

You may feel tempted to stay quiet, silently endure, and hope things improve. But resentment doesn’t disappear—it builds. And when the truth eventually comes out (as it often does), the impact can be far more painful than if it had been shared earlier, with courage and care.

Talk about couple that had been married 15 years

Slide 8

John 8:32: And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.

Truth might hurt in the short term—but it opens the door to long-term strength, intimacy, and healing. It says to your spouse, I respect you enough to let you really know me. I trust us enough to face this together. That kind of honesty is what builds a marriage that can withstand pressure, evolve through challenge, and deepen with time.

Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife said “Real love requires truth and the truth is often painful. The truth disrupts. It exposes. It can be tremendously invalidating. But truth is FUNDAMENTAL to love. Obscuring a difficult truth from your partner to protect their feelings is not loving. Truth is essential to love.” 

Honesty and compassion are the two most important things we can bring to our relationships. 

Marriage, in particular, pushes us in ways no other relationship does. We can be generous, patient, and gracious with coworkers, neighbors, or strangers because their daily habits do not directly affect our lives. Their financial choices, emotional reactivity, or cleanliness at home rarely impact us in a meaningful way. But marriage is different. Our partner’s choices, moods, and values touch us everywhere. Our sense of self is often “walking around” on our spouse, and when they do not give us back what we want which is validation, agreement, or reassurance—it provokes us deeply.

Marriage also matters because it is one of the strongest forces shaping our happiness and health. Longitudinal research led by George Vaillant, who followed participants for decades, found that the single greatest predictor of well-being was not income, education, or social class, but the quality of close relationships, particularly marriage and family relationships.

In fact, the quality of one’s relationships in midlife was a stronger predictor of health in old age than cholesterol levels or blood pressure. Chronic relational stress elevates cortisol, disrupts sleep, and erodes physical health. We are not built to thrive in sustained relational distress.

And yet, disappointment is unavoidable.

Marriage confronts us with unmet expectations, invalidation, and loss of fantasy. The question is not whether disappointment will come, but what we do with it when it does.

Disappointment can harden us into entitlement and resentment, or it can soften us into wisdom and growth. The ego tempts us with a powerful lie: If the world would just conform to me, I would be happy. But reality offers a different invitation—to grow into the capacity to handle what is.

This is why marriage is a divine institution. It pressures us toward maturity. It calls us out of self-righteousness and into responsibility. It asks us to confront our ego rather than defend it.

Slide 9

Dr. David Schnarch—a marriage and sexuality therapist often taught that two fundamental human desires sit at the center of marital dissatisfaction. These desires are innate, necessary for development, and yet, when we are immature, they frequently feel as though they work against one another.

The first is our desire to belong to others. From birth, human beings are oriented toward connection. We want to feel protected, known, and valued. Even those who identify as strong loners still want to belong to someone. John Bowlby’s attachment research underscores how essential this need is: infants whose physical needs were met but who were deprived of relational care and touch often failed to thrive—and some even died. Belonging is not optional; it is a core human drive.

The second desire is our need to belong to ourselves—to retain autonomy, agency, and a sense of personal truth. When development is immature, these two needs feel incompatible. We want closeness, but not constraint. We want intimacy, but resist influence. We long to belong to someone, yet bristle when they challenge our preferences or perceptions. This tension—How do I be true to myself and true to you at the same time This is the fundamental workspace of love.

This tension becomes especially pronounced because we are often drawn to difference in marriage. While couples frequently share important similarities—values, faith, or worldview—they are also often opposites in temperament and style. Introverts marry extroverts. Spontaneous people marry planners. There are good biological and relational reasons for this: difference increases adaptability, resource diversity, and resilience in families.

Yet the very differences that attract us can become a source of frustration. What once felt complementary begins to feel obstructive. We like our partner’s traits when they serve us—and resent them when they don’t. At that point, difference becomes a crossroads: we can either double down in self-righteousness and resentment, or we can allow difference to teach us something about ourselves, about love, and about who we might become.

Slide 10

Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife says: “How you handle yourself when you are NOT getting what you want determines the marriage.”

When stress increases through family pressures, illness, conflict, or loss, it is natural for us to regress. The ego becomes louder. We feel justified, certain, and morally superior. It can feel good to be self-righteous, but it is deeply misleading. The ego promises relief while quietly increasing our suffering.

Growth, by contrast, often feels uncomfortable in the moment. It requires turning toward what we would rather avoid: our own participation in conflict, our own rigidity, our own fear. But this is the path that leads to peace.

What we do in the face of disappointment determines everything. Do we let suffering teach us—about ourselves, our partner, and reality? Or do we decide that the marriage or the other person is defective and that we deserve better?

Disappointment is not evidence that something has gone wrong. It is often evidence that growth is being requested.

When you speak to what you see and how you feel, the goal is NOT to say, “You’re the problem—it’s not me. ”The goal is to say, “I want to feel open and connected to you. This is what I’m experiencing, and I want something better than this for us.”

You speak this way not to justify a regressed or defensive position, but to solve something together.

Collaboration means speaking to what you desire and being genuinely willing to do your part to create it—while also naming what may be interfering. Not to blame, but to build. Not to defend, but to create.

And creation is messy. This is one of the messiest parts of relationships. You will make mistakes—often. But when you’re willing to take an honest look at yourself and see what’s really happening inside you, the relationship can actually strengthen.

If you stay focused on what the other person is doing wrong, growth stops. 

You cannot change anyone else. The only person you can change is yourself—and that’s where real power and real intimacy live.

We have to remember that the problem is the problem, not the person. So how can you focus on the problem rather than on the other person? 

The following is an example of a couple and a conversation they are having about wanting more connection. 

Barbara: Every time I try to talk to you about my day, you launch into complaints and whining about how bad life is for you. You never listen to me. (Notice that Barbara is in fact attacking, criticizing and blaming.)

Mark: If I didn’t get my two cents’ worth in, you’d talk all evening. All you ever do is complain. I decided weeks ago that every time you come home with some “poor me” tale, I’ll match you. Besides, I have a right to be heard too. You aren’t the only important one in this family (Mark is escalating, even though he calls it “matching” Barbara. He is also blaming and criticizing, and not listening.)

Barbara: If things are so rotten for you in this relationship, why are you sticking around? All I’m asking for is a little empathy, but I guess that’s beyond you. (A major escalation!)

You can see that neither Barbara nor Mark is the least bit interested in learning, only in attacking and defending. This interaction will undoubtedly escalate or lead to hostile withdrawal. 

Barbara and Mark Try It Again

Barbara: I’ve been noticing something that troubles me and is making me upset. When I come home and tell you about my day, which I look forward to, it seems that you immediately start to tell me about your day, making it sound horrible. I don’t feel heard. And I’m not listening to you, either. Something isn’t working. I don’t like the direction we’re going, and I don’t feel close to you.

Mark: I think you’re right. I often feel that you get all the air time. I’m afraid that if I don’t speak up, you’ll talk all evening about your bad day. I’m not proud of this, but I really don’t want to hear so much about your awful work situation.

Barbara: Thanks for being honest. It makes me feel less crazy. I do want to hear about you, good and bad things. I’d like for you to let me know you hear and understand me. I can easily imagine doing the same thing for you. I do care about you. 

Mark: I haven’t liked myself very much, that’s for sure. I’ve been trying to teach you not to complain—but I’ve been doing the same thing to you. Let’s start over. 

In this example, Barbara and Mark began to create a more supportive climate instead of a defensive climate. People in defensive climate are touchy, irritable, quick-tempered, and harsh. (Interpersonal Conflict, Hocker, Wilmot, pg. 24). 

Slide 11

In order to be productive, the basic form of conversation that helps to balance power involves: 

Speaking to the other with a positive tone. For instance, your opening words should communicate respect, should be clear, should show compassion for the perspective of the other, and should be direct. 

Listen. Pay close attention, ask open-ended questions, and let the other person know you’ve heard what they have said. Avoid saying, “I understand you, BUT it’s just that ….” This assures that the other will not feel understood. 

Instead say, “I think what you are saying is that you are uneasy about my plan.” When you use “but” the person hears nothing you’ve said before that one word. 

Reflect feelings. In addition to listening and reflecting content, reflect the feelings of the other person. This is harder than it seems. Often, we miss the feeling tone of the other. Reflecting feelings might sound like this: “You are too pressured to take on a new project now, although you like the sound of it.”

Clarify what you have heard. You might say, “Let me be sure I understand what you are saying…”

Question what is needed. Ask questions for which you do not know the answer; avoid asking questions as a way to slip into your opinion. A good question would sound like this: “tell me more about your concern for your son. What are you worried about?”

Summarize. You can help track and orient the conversation by summarizing what you have both/all talked about so far. Avoid adding your own opinion. Summarizing might sound like this “We’ve identified the problems about scheduling the family reunion. People have a lot of different ideas about where to meet. Some feelings have been hurt already, and many of the family members have strong opinions. We’ve decided to ask Carolyn to contact everyone giving the best options the three of us have come up with. Is this right?”

(Interpersonal Conflict, Hocker, Wilmot, pg. 134-135).

Slide 12

Emotional intimacy is sharing thoughts and feelings with each other, being vulnerable and self-disclosing as well as practicing active listening, being curious and receptive.

Stephen Covey shares this example of seeking to understand, then be understood: 

"Suppose you've been having trouble with your eyes and you decide to go to an optometrist for help. After briefly listening to your complaint, he takes off his glasses and hands them to you.

Put these on, he says, I've worn this pair of glasses for ten years now and they've really helped me. I have an extra pair at home; you can wear these.

So you put them on, but it only makes the problem worse.

This is terrible you exclaim. I can't see a thing!

Well, what's wrong? he asks They work great for me. Try harder.

I am trying you insist. Everything is a blur.

Well what's the matter with you? Think positively.

Okay. I positively can't see a thing.

Boy are you ungrateful! he chides. And after all I've done to help you!

What are the chances you'd go back to that optometrist the next time you needed help?

Stephen Covey The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Habit 5, pg. 236

Being able to listen and try to understand where your partner is coming from is an important part of relationships. Again, this does not mean you need to agree with them, but you are trying to understand their perspective. An exercise I often invite clients to try begins with them sitting together on the couch. I ask each person to draw the same object placed between them. When they share their drawings, they quickly notice something striking: the images are never the same. Each drawing reflects a different perspective of the very same object. We have different life experiences and those experiences shape our view of the world. Understanding that your parter isn’t trying to make things difficult for you, rather they are just sharing their view. This can help keep you focused on the problem, rather than the person.  

Mental health and overall happiness improves with a constructive conflict process. When people experience conflicts, much of their energy goes into emotions and strategizing related to those conflicts. They may be fearful, angry, resentful, hopeless, preoccupied, or stressed. (Interpersonal Conflict, Hocker, Wilmot, pg. 2-3). 

Every meaningful relationship requires giving up short-term comfort for long-term good—but the larger aim is not self-erasure. The aim is to create a relational space in which two people can thrive, cherish one another, and grow into greater maturity.

This requires becoming more grounded in yourself. It requires settling your own anxieties rather than demanding that your partner regulate them for you. And it requires paying close attention to how you behave when you are not getting what you want—because how you respond to disappointment largely determines the quality of your relationship.

John Gottman’s research supports this. He found that happily married couples do not have fewer differences than unhappily married couples. The difference lies in how they handle those differences. Unhappily married couples tend to be more resentful, entitled, and demanding. They experience difference as a personal affront. Happily married couples are better able to tolerate disappointment, approach difference with kindness, and make room for realities that do not align perfectly with their preferences.

In other words, marital happiness is far more dependent on maturity than compatibility.

Slide 13

How can you stay engaged in an honest conversation and regulate yourself? Here are a few things that can help

Take a Time Out

John Gottman’s research found that physiological arousal—especially heart rate—is a powerful predictor of how conflict conversations will go.

In his laboratory studies observing couples over time, Gottman noticed that when a person’s heart rate rises above roughly 100 beats per minute, the body enters a state he calls physiological flooding. In this state, the nervous system shifts into fight-or-flight.

Here’s what happens when heart rate crosses that threshold:

The amygdala takes over, and access to the prefrontal cortex (reasoning, empathy, problem-solving) is significantly reduced

People become less able to listen, more likely to misinterpret neutral comments as attacks

Responses skew toward defensiveness, criticism, contempt, or shutdown

Productive dialogue becomes biologically unlikely—even if both partners want to communicate well

One of the most important findings was that this arousal often continues even when the person appears calm. Someone may be sitting quietly, but their heart rate can still be elevated, meaning they are not actually regulated or receptive.

Because of this, Gottman emphasizes that taking a break during conflict is not avoidance—it’s physiological necessity. He recommends time-outs of at least 20 minutes, during which partners engage in calming, non–ruminative activities (deep breathing, walking, listening to music). This allows heart rate and stress hormones to return to baseline so the conversation can be resumed more productively.

The clinical takeaway is simple but profound:

You cannot solve relationship problems while your nervous system is in survival mode.

Regulation comes first. Connection and problem-solving follow.

Breathing

Box or Square Breathing

Diaphragmatic (Deep Belly) Breathing

Physiological Sigh

Calming exercises

Cold water on face, hands, neck

Ankle circles

Rubbing tummy

Gargling water

Humming

Singing

Rocking

Heel drops

Knee sways

Stand on grass or dirt with bare feet

Use your Five Senses

Coping skills are helpful for regulating emotions because they give us a pause, a pathway, and a sense of agency when emotions start running the show.

Here’s what’s happening under the hood:

1. They calm the nervous system

Strong emotions often come with physiological arousal—heart rate up, breathing shallow, muscles tense. Coping skills like slow breathing, grounding, or movement help shift the body out of threat mode and back toward regulation. When the body settles, emotions become easier to manage.

2. They create space between feeling and reacting

Emotions themselves aren’t the problem—our impulsive reactions to them often are. Coping skills slow things down just enough to help us respond rather than react. That pause is where choice lives.

3. They help us tolerate distress without making things worse

Some emotions can’t (and shouldn’t) be eliminated right away—grief, anger, fear, disappointment. Coping skills increase our capacity to stay with discomfort without exploding, shutting down, or reaching for short-term fixes that create long-term problems.

4. They restore a sense of control and competence

When emotions feel overwhelming, people often feel powerless. Using a coping skill reminds us: I can influence how I move through this. That sense of agency alone can reduce emotional intensity.

5. They support clearer thinking and meaning-making

Once emotions are regulated, the thinking part of the brain comes back online. From there, we can reflect, communicate, problem-solve, and make sense of what we’re feeling instead of being hijacked by it.

6. Over time, they actually rewire emotional responses

Practicing coping skills consistently strengthens neural pathways for regulation. The more often we regulate successfully, the more quickly and naturally our system learns to return to balance.

In short:

Coping skills don’t erase emotions—they help us stay connected to ourselves and others while emotions move through us, rather than being controlled by them.

Slide 14

As we wrap up, here are a few takeaways I hope you leave with:

Conflict does not mean something is going wrong—it means two real people are in relationship and this is an opportunity for growth.

Honest, compassionate conversations are among the most powerful investments you can make in your relationship.

Lasting change begins by focusing on yourself and how you choose to respond.

When emotions run high, take a time-out—and trust that you can return to the conversation later.

Practice calming and self-soothing exercises regularly when not in conflict, so that they become second nature.

My hope is that these tools help you move toward one another with more understanding, patience, and confidence when conflict shows up—because it will.

Slide 15

Thank you