Slide 1

On this first slide, I hope you all were able to read through the bio’s of the therapists I will be referring to often, along with this book Interpersonal Conflict. 

John and Julie Gottman are internationally recognized relationship researchers and clinicians best known for their groundbreaking work on marriage and long-term relationships. Drawing on decades of empirical research with thousands of couples, they identified patterns that predict relationship success and distress, including what they call the Four Horsemen of relationship breakdown. Their work bridges rigorous science and practical application, offering evidence-based tools that help couples build trust, manage conflict, and strengthen emotional connection.

Terry Real is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, teacher, and author known for his influential work on relationships and relational healing. He is the founder of the Relational Life Institute and the creator of Relational Life Therapy (RLT), which integrates individual psychological insight with a strong focus on accountability, mutual respect, and connection. Terry Real’s work emphasizes moving couples out of power struggles and into relational integrity, helping partners build relationships that are both intimate and resilient.

David Schnarch, PhD, was a clinical psychologist and author known for his groundbreaking work on intimacy, sexuality, and long-term relationships. He developed Crucible Therapy, a model that emphasizes differentiation, emotional regulation, and personal responsibility as essential to sustaining desire and connection in committed partnerships. Schnarch’s work challenged traditional views of intimacy by highlighting how personal growth and self-confrontation are central to deeply connected, enduring relationships.

Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, PhD, is a clinical psychologist, relationship and sexuality educator, and speaker known for her work on desire, intimacy, and relational development. Drawing on principles of differentiation and personal responsibility, her teaching helps individuals and couples understand the emotional and relational dynamics that shape sexual desire and connection. Her work bridges clinical insight and practical application, offering a thoughtful framework for fostering agency, integrity, and vitality in intimate relationships.

Slide 2

As we start this class tonight, I just want you to be aware that these concepts are for every relationship you have. Parent, friend, child, sibling, spouse, or coworker, but as we proceed tonight, I will be framing this in the marriage relationship. If you are not married, you will still benefit from the things we talk about tonight. We have about 45 minutes together, and I’ll do my best to leave time for questions at the end.

Slide 3

Dr. Terry Real talks often about the environment we create in our relationships. He points out that often, we don’t realize how much we are contributing because we are so focused on the other person and what they are or are not doing. Home is where we live in the emotional atmosphere we help create. We breathe the air we generate there. When we act with contempt, resentment, or withdrawal, we live inside that energy. When we act with kindness, responsibility, and courage, we live inside that too. This makes home not just a moral arena, but a formative one—it shapes our souls.

Many of us grow up believing that conflict in marriage means something has gone wrong—that we’re not loving enough, selfless enough, or kind enough. We assume that if we were “doing marriage right,” we wouldn’t be fighting. That belief sets couples up for disillusionment.

The truth is, when you make room for two real people in a marriage, conflict is not only inevitable—it’s necessary.

Slide 4

Conflict is normal in an honest marriage. You married someone different from you, and those differences will show up. The issue isn’t whether conflict exists; it’s how you handle it. Do you bring contempt into the relationship, or do you bring decency, honesty, and accountability?

At its best, marriage is a creative process. It asks a hard question: How are we going to build a bridge across our differences when so much of ME just wants YOU to change? This tension, when approached with humility and responsibility, becomes a powerful engine for growth. When avoided or resented, it turns into hostility, contempt, and resentment.

Differences are unavoidable. The real question is whether you can stay fair, grounded, and responsible for yourself when they arise.

It’s important to be clear: conflict is not the same as contention.

Slide 5

Contention is characterized by patterns of contempt, cruelty, criticism, hostility, and behaviors that tear partners down rather than build them up. John and Julie Gottman identify these destructive dynamics as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationships: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.

Conflict, on the other hand, simply means we see this differently. It is the honest friction that emerges when two lives, two perspectives, two histories, and two sets of desires come together. Far from signaling failure, this kind of tension—when handled with care—can become a catalyst for deeper understanding, growth, and connection.

The way a conflict is handled predicts whether the couple, the work group, or the manager (in an employer dyad) will thrive. In conflict, we must learn to “do what comes UN-NATURALLY.” If we do what we have always done, we will keep getting the results we have always gotten—results that may keep us mired in the same old patterns. Einstein is often paraphrased as saying: You cannot solve a problem at the same level of thinking that created it. You have to level up. 

Who would imagine, for instance, that moving toward bad news, instead of away from bad news, is often the better strategy? How many of us intuitively know to tell MORE of the truth when a conflict is becoming destructive rather than keeping quiet or yelling? In the middle of a conflict, if someone insists that “this is really simple!” they probably mean “this would be simple if you would adopt my perspective.” Conflict is anything BUT simple.

 (Interpersonal Conflict, Hocker, Wilmot, pg. 7). 

Slide 6

Don’t fear conflict. Don’t use it as a measure of failure. Use it as a mirror that helps you see where your relationship is inviting you to grow. Conflict, when handled with respect and care, is how we forge a space that belongs to both partners—not just one yielding to the other.

So how do you raise your awareness enough to solve a problem at a higher level?

Start with this question: Where are they right about me?

Most of us, when confronted with something uncomfortable, move instantly into defensiveness. We rush to protect our position—explaining why we are right and the other person is wrong. While understandable, this reaction keeps us stuck in a spiral. Nothing new can emerge from it. The need to be right is one of Dr. Terry Real’s losing strategies and when we go there we create that spiral. 

Growth begins when we are willing to acknowledge where the other person may have a valid point. This is difficult because our ego resists it fiercely. The ego’s job is to protect identity, not to tell the truth or foster intimacy. It equates being wrong with being unsafe.

And yet, this willingness—to soften, to stay curious, to recognize another’s perspective—is one of the most reliable pathways to growth and connection in relationships.

When we loosen our grip on defensiveness and approach the situation with humility and openness, we move out of reactivity and into responsibility. From that place, we are far more capable of learning, repairing, and creating something better together.

This doesn’t mean self-blame or submission. It means maturity. It means choosing growth over being right—and relationship over protection.

Our Ego is the Natural Man. Mosiah 3: 19 For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

We are born into ego. A baby is, quite literally, a crying ego. The world initially exists only in terms of how it affects us. Some people never fully grow beyond this orientation. The ego is self-preoccupied, self-protective, and deeply reactive. It is also deeply anxious.

Spiritual and emotional maturity does not mean dismissing ourselves or becoming martyrs. It means learning to see ourselves and others more truthfully. Wise people take their disappointments, with themselves and others, and use them as opportunities to grow into greater capacity for care.

Dr. Finlayson-Fife shared a story about her son, who is on the autism spectrum. When he was nine, he became curious about why people get married. At the time, he was especially fascinated by moles and ticks.

One day, during a conversation with his mom, he suddenly had a lightbulb moment. He said, “I know why people get married—so they can see the moles and ticks on each other’s backs.”

She laughed when she realized how true that was.

So here’s the question: What “moles and ticks” does your spouse see on you?

They often notice the places we can’t see ourselves—and if we’re willing to listen, that perspective can be a gift, not an attack.

Remember we have been counseled to go to the Lord about our weaknesses, who better than our own family members and friends to help us see where we most need to grow?

Ether 12:27: And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

Slide 7

You do not know what other people are thinking unless you enter into honest dialogue. You don’t know their intention without dialogue. You can’t read minds. Conversation is the best approach. (Interpersonal Conflict, Hocker, Wilmot, pg. 21.)

A strong relationship must be built on a solid foundation of honesty, openness, and emotional courage. This means being willing to share the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable or risks creating conflict.

We often avoid sharing what we’re truly feeling or thinking because we’re afraid: What if it hurts my spouse? What if they reject me? What if it creates too much tension? But withholding information—whether it’s big or small—introduces quiet instability into your relationship. It creates anxiety, fosters misunderstanding, and weakens the sense of trust and intimacy. Truth doesn’t have to be dramatic to be essential. It might be “I’m feeling overwhelmed by your family’s involvement” or “Your spending habits are creating stress for me.”

When we withhold these truths, we often justify it by telling ourselves we’re protecting the relationship. But in reality, we’re protecting ourselves from the discomfort of honesty. And in doing so, we plant seeds of resentment, frustration, and disconnection.

You may feel tempted to stay quiet, silently endure, and hope things improve. But resentment doesn’t disappear—it builds. And when the truth eventually comes out (as it often does), the impact can be far more painful than if it had been shared earlier, with courage and care.

Talk about couple that had been married 15 years

Slide 8

John 8:32: And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.

Truth might hurt in the short term—but it opens the door to long-term strength, intimacy, and healing. It says to your spouse, I respect you enough to let you really know me. I trust us enough to face this together. That kind of honesty is what builds a marriage that can withstand pressure, evolve through challenge, and deepen with time.

Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife said “Real love requires truth and the truth is often painful. The truth disrupts. It exposes. It can be tremendously invalidating. But truth is FUNDAMENTAL to love. Obscuring a difficult truth from your partner to protect their feelings is not loving. Truth is essential to love.” 

Honesty and compassion are the two most important things we can bring to our relationships. 

Marriage, in particular, pushes us in ways no other relationship does. We can be generous, patient, and gracious with coworkers, neighbors, or strangers because their daily habits do not directly affect our lives. Their financial choices, emotional reactivity, or cleanliness at home rarely impact us in a meaningful way. But marriage is different. Our partner’s choices, moods, and values touch us everywhere. Our sense of self is often “walking around” on our spouse, and when they do not give us back what we want which is validation, agreement, or reassurance—it provokes us deeply.

Marriage also matters because it is one of the strongest forces shaping our happiness and health. Longitudinal research led by George Vaillant, who followed participants for decades, found that the single greatest predictor of well-being was not income, education, or social class, but the quality of close relationships, particularly marriage and family relationships.

In fact, the quality of one’s relationships in midlife was a stronger predictor of health in old age than cholesterol levels or blood pressure. Chronic relational stress elevates cortisol, disrupts sleep, and erodes physical health. We are not built to thrive in sustained relational distress.

And yet, disappointment is unavoidable.

Marriage confronts us with unmet expectations, invalidation, and loss of fantasy. The question is not whether disappointment will come, but what we do with it when it does.

Disappointment can harden us into entitlement and resentment, or it can soften us into wisdom and growth. The ego tempts us with a powerful lie: If the world would just conform to me, I would be happy. But reality offers a different invitation—to grow into the capacity to handle what is.

This is why marriage is a divine institution. It pressures us toward maturity. It calls us out of self-righteousness and into responsibility. It asks us to confront our ego rather than defend it.

Slide 9

Dr. David Schnarch—a marriage and sexuality therapist often taught that two fundamental human desires sit at the center of marital dissatisfaction. These desires are innate, necessary for development, and yet, when we are immature, they frequently feel as though they work against one another.

The first is our desire to belong to others. From birth, human beings are oriented toward connection. We want to feel protected, known, and valued. Even those who identify as strong loners still want to belong to someone. John Bowlby’s attachment research underscores how essential this need is: infants whose physical needs were met but who were deprived of relational care and touch often failed to thrive—and some even died. Belonging is not optional; it is a core human drive.

The second desire is our need to belong to ourselves—to retain autonomy, agency, and a sense of personal truth. When development is immature, these two needs feel incompatible. We want closeness, but not constraint. We want intimacy, but resist influence. We long to belong to someone, yet bristle when they challenge our preferences or perceptions. This tension—How do I be true to myself and true to you at the same time This is the fundamental workspace of love.

This tension becomes especially pronounced because we are often drawn to difference in marriage. While couples frequently share important similarities—values, faith, or worldview—they are also often opposites in temperament and style. Introverts marry extroverts. Spontaneous people marry planners. There are good biological and relational reasons for this: difference increases adaptability, resource diversity, and resilience in families.

Yet the very differences that attract us can become a source of frustration. What once felt complementary begins to feel obstructive. We like our partner’s traits when they serve us—and resent them when they don’t. At that point, difference becomes a crossroads: we can either double down in self-righteousness and resentment, or we can allow difference to teach us something about ourselves, about love, and about who we might become.

Slide 10

Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife says: “How you handle yourself when you are NOT getting what you want determines the marriage.”

When stress increases through family pressures, illness, conflict, or loss, it is natural for us to regress. The ego becomes louder. We feel justified, certain, and morally superior. It can feel good to be self-righteous, but it is deeply misleading. The ego promises relief while quietly increasing our suffering.

Growth, by contrast, often feels uncomfortable in the moment. It requires turning toward what we would rather avoid: our own participation in conflict, our own rigidity, our own fear. But this is the path that leads to peace.

What we do in the face of disappointment determines everything. Do we let suffering teach us—about ourselves, our partner, and reality? Or do we decide that the marriage or the other person is defective and that we deserve better?

Disappointment is not evidence that something has gone wrong. It is often evidence that growth is being requested.

When you speak to what you see and how you feel, the goal is NOT to say, “You’re the problem—it’s not me. ”The goal is to say, “I want to feel open and connected to you. This is what I’m experiencing, and I want something better than this for us.”

You speak this way not to justify a regressed or defensive position, but to solve something together.

Collaboration means speaking to what you desire and being genuinely willing to do your part to create it—while also naming what may be interfering. Not to blame, but to build. Not to defend, but to create.

And creation is messy. This is one of the messiest parts of relationships. You will make mistakes—often. But when you’re willing to take an honest look at yourself and see what’s really happening inside you, the relationship can actually strengthen.

If you stay focused on what the other person is doing wrong, growth stops. 

You cannot change anyone else. The only person you can change is yourself—and that’s where real power and real intimacy live.

We have to remember that the problem is the problem, not the person. So how can you focus on the problem rather than on the other person? 

The following is an example of a couple and a conversation they are having about wanting more connection. 

Barbara: Every time I try to talk to you about my day, you launch into complaints and whining about how bad life is for you. You never listen to me. (Notice that Barbara is in fact attacking, criticizing and blaming.)

Mark: If I didn’t get my two cents’ worth in, you’d talk all evening. All you ever do is complain. I decided weeks ago that every time you come home with some “poor me” tale, I’ll match you. Besides, I have a right to be heard too. You aren’t the only important one in this family (Mark is escalating, even though he calls it “matching” Barbara. He is also blaming and criticizing, and not listening.)

Barbara: If things are so rotten for you in this relationship, why are you sticking around? All I’m asking for is a little empathy, but I guess that’s beyond you. (A major escalation!)

You can see that neither Barbara nor Mark is the least bit interested in learning, only in attacking and defending. This interaction will undoubtedly escalate or lead to hostile withdrawal. 

Barbara and Mark Try It Again

Barbara: I’ve been noticing something that troubles me and is making me upset. When I come home and tell you about my day, which I look forward to, it seems that you immediately start to tell me about your day, making it sound horrible. I don’t feel heard. And I’m not listening to you, either. Something isn’t working. I don’t like the direction we’re going, and I don’t feel close to you.

Mark: I think you’re right. I often feel that you get all the air time. I’m afraid that if I don’t speak up, you’ll talk all evening about your bad day. I’m not proud of this, but I really don’t want to hear so much about your awful work situation.

Barbara: Thanks for being honest. It makes me feel less crazy. I do want to hear about you, good and bad things. I’d like for you to let me know you hear and understand me. I can easily imagine doing the same thing for you. I do care about you. 

Mark: I haven’t liked myself very much, that’s for sure. I’ve been trying to teach you not to complain—but I’ve been doing the same thing to you. Let’s start over. 

In this example, Barbara and Mark began to create a more supportive climate instead of a defensive climate. People in defensive climate are touchy, irritable, quick-tempered, and harsh. (Interpersonal Conflict, Hocker, Wilmot, pg. 24). 

Slide 11

In order to be productive, the basic form of conversation that helps to balance power involves: 

Speaking to the other with a positive tone. For instance, your opening words should communicate respect, should be clear, should show compassion for the perspective of the other, and should be direct. 

Listen. Pay close attention, ask open-ended questions, and let the other person know you’ve heard what they have said. Avoid saying, “I understand you, BUT it’s just that ….” This assures that the other will not feel understood. 

Instead say, “I think what you are saying is that you are uneasy about my plan.” When you use “but” the person hears nothing you’ve said before that one word. 

Reflect feelings. In addition to listening and reflecting content, reflect the feelings of the other person. This is harder than it seems. Often, we miss the feeling tone of the other. Reflecting feelings might sound like this: “You are too pressured to take on a new project now, although you like the sound of it.”

Clarify what you have heard. You might say, “Let me be sure I understand what you are saying…”

Question what is needed. Ask questions for which you do not know the answer; avoid asking questions as a way to slip into your opinion. A good question would sound like this: “tell me more about your concern for your son. What are you worried about?”

Summarize. You can help track and orient the conversation by summarizing what you have both/all talked about so far. Avoid adding your own opinion. Summarizing might sound like this “We’ve identified the problems about scheduling the family reunion. People have a lot of different ideas about where to meet. Some feelings have been hurt already, and many of the family members have strong opinions. We’ve decided to ask Carolyn to contact everyone giving the best options the three of us have come up with. Is this right?”

(Interpersonal Conflict, Hocker, Wilmot, pg. 134-135).

Slide 12

Emotional intimacy is sharing thoughts and feelings with each other, being vulnerable and self-disclosing as well as practicing active listening, being curious and receptive.

Stephen Covey shares this example of seeking to understand, then be understood: 

"Suppose you've been having trouble with your eyes and you decide to go to an optometrist for help. After briefly listening to your complaint, he takes off his glasses and hands them to you.

Put these on, he says, I've worn this pair of glasses for ten years now and they've really helped me. I have an extra pair at home; you can wear these.

So you put them on, but it only makes the problem worse.

This is terrible you exclaim. I can't see a thing!

Well, what's wrong? he asks They work great for me. Try harder.

I am trying you insist. Everything is a blur.

Well what's the matter with you? Think positively.

Okay. I positively can't see a thing.

Boy are you ungrateful! he chides. And after all I've done to help you!

What are the chances you'd go back to that optometrist the next time you needed help?

Stephen Covey The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Habit 5, pg. 236

Being able to listen and try to understand where your partner is coming from is an important part of relationships. Again, this does not mean you need to agree with them, but you are trying to understand their perspective. An exercise I often invite clients to try begins with them sitting together on the couch. I ask each person to draw the same object placed between them. When they share their drawings, they quickly notice something striking: the images are never the same. Each drawing reflects a different perspective of the very same object. We have different life experiences and those experiences shape our view of the world. Understanding that your parter isn’t trying to make things difficult for you, rather they are just sharing their view. This can help keep you focused on the problem, rather than the person.  

Mental health and overall happiness improves with a constructive conflict process. When people experience conflicts, much of their energy goes into emotions and strategizing related to those conflicts. They may be fearful, angry, resentful, hopeless, preoccupied, or stressed. (Interpersonal Conflict, Hocker, Wilmot, pg. 2-3). 

Every meaningful relationship requires giving up short-term comfort for long-term good—but the larger aim is not self-erasure. The aim is to create a relational space in which two people can thrive, cherish one another, and grow into greater maturity.

This requires becoming more grounded in yourself. It requires settling your own anxieties rather than demanding that your partner regulate them for you. And it requires paying close attention to how you behave when you are not getting what you want—because how you respond to disappointment largely determines the quality of your relationship.

John Gottman’s research supports this. He found that happily married couples do not have fewer differences than unhappily married couples. The difference lies in how they handle those differences. Unhappily married couples tend to be more resentful, entitled, and demanding. They experience difference as a personal affront. Happily married couples are better able to tolerate disappointment, approach difference with kindness, and make room for realities that do not align perfectly with their preferences.

In other words, marital happiness is far more dependent on maturity than compatibility.

Slide 13

How can you stay engaged in an honest conversation and regulate yourself? Here are a few things that can help

Take a Time Out

John Gottman’s research found that physiological arousal—especially heart rate—is a powerful predictor of how conflict conversations will go.

In his laboratory studies observing couples over time, Gottman noticed that when a person’s heart rate rises above roughly 100 beats per minute, the body enters a state he calls physiological flooding. In this state, the nervous system shifts into fight-or-flight.

Here’s what happens when heart rate crosses that threshold:

The amygdala takes over, and access to the prefrontal cortex (reasoning, empathy, problem-solving) is significantly reduced

People become less able to listen, more likely to misinterpret neutral comments as attacks

Responses skew toward defensiveness, criticism, contempt, or shutdown

Productive dialogue becomes biologically unlikely—even if both partners want to communicate well

One of the most important findings was that this arousal often continues even when the person appears calm. Someone may be sitting quietly, but their heart rate can still be elevated, meaning they are not actually regulated or receptive.

Because of this, Gottman emphasizes that taking a break during conflict is not avoidance—it’s physiological necessity. He recommends time-outs of at least 20 minutes, during which partners engage in calming, non–ruminative activities (deep breathing, walking, listening to music). This allows heart rate and stress hormones to return to baseline so the conversation can be resumed more productively.

The clinical takeaway is simple but profound:

You cannot solve relationship problems while your nervous system is in survival mode.

Regulation comes first. Connection and problem-solving follow.

Breathing

Box or Square Breathing

Diaphragmatic (Deep Belly) Breathing

Physiological Sigh

Calming exercises

Cold water on face, hands, neck

Ankle circles

Rubbing tummy

Gargling water

Humming

Singing

Rocking

Heel drops

Knee sways

Stand on grass or dirt with bare feet

Use your Five Senses

Coping skills are helpful for regulating emotions because they give us a pause, a pathway, and a sense of agency when emotions start running the show.

Here’s what’s happening under the hood:

1. They calm the nervous system

Strong emotions often come with physiological arousal—heart rate up, breathing shallow, muscles tense. Coping skills like slow breathing, grounding, or movement help shift the body out of threat mode and back toward regulation. When the body settles, emotions become easier to manage.

2. They create space between feeling and reacting

Emotions themselves aren’t the problem—our impulsive reactions to them often are. Coping skills slow things down just enough to help us respond rather than react. That pause is where choice lives.

3. They help us tolerate distress without making things worse

Some emotions can’t (and shouldn’t) be eliminated right away—grief, anger, fear, disappointment. Coping skills increase our capacity to stay with discomfort without exploding, shutting down, or reaching for short-term fixes that create long-term problems.

4. They restore a sense of control and competence

When emotions feel overwhelming, people often feel powerless. Using a coping skill reminds us: I can influence how I move through this. That sense of agency alone can reduce emotional intensity.

5. They support clearer thinking and meaning-making

Once emotions are regulated, the thinking part of the brain comes back online. From there, we can reflect, communicate, problem-solve, and make sense of what we’re feeling instead of being hijacked by it.

6. Over time, they actually rewire emotional responses

Practicing coping skills consistently strengthens neural pathways for regulation. The more often we regulate successfully, the more quickly and naturally our system learns to return to balance.

In short:

Coping skills don’t erase emotions—they help us stay connected to ourselves and others while emotions move through us, rather than being controlled by them.

Slide 14

As we wrap up, here are a few takeaways I hope you leave with:

Conflict does not mean something is going wrong—it means two real people are in relationship and this is an opportunity for growth.

Honest, compassionate conversations are among the most powerful investments you can make in your relationship.

Lasting change begins by focusing on yourself and how you choose to respond.

When emotions run high, take a time-out—and trust that you can return to the conversation later.

Practice calming and self-soothing exercises regularly when not in conflict, so that they become second nature.

My hope is that these tools help you move toward one another with more understanding, patience, and confidence when conflict shows up—because it will.

Slide 15

Thank you